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MRS. MARGRET RAYNE NARKENPIE
Wife of Dr. Narkenpie

"I was expecting to live in a place where there was more than one Quicky Freeze and a video Hut."

(Maggie is one creature shy of having a complete Beanie Baby collection.)

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TRUCK DRIVER

"Look out for the loonies."

(His best friend is an action figure. Joe is always there for him.)

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CASSIE ROYALTUBER
Rick's Wife/Jill's Mom

"How do you get into the loony bin unless they think you're loony?"

(Cassie voted for Jessie Ventura.)

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DR. STUART J. NARKENPIE
Founder & Director of the Spinard Institute

"It is not a nut house. It is not a funny farm. It is not even an insane asylum. the Spinard Institute is a center for the treatment of psychological disorders."

(Dr. Narkenpie has a poodle named Marlene.)

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ROD BUDDAROCK
Football Co-captain, Nimrod Pirates

"There's been a lot of talk about what they were really doing, the horizontal hokey pokey or what have you."

(Rod prefers Mac over PC)

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OLEENA WEENZ
Dispatcher, Wadena County Sheriff's Department

"There was a vicious assault by a pervert."

(Oleena has four children. Number three is her favorite.)

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JEHOVAH WITNESS 1

"Did you know that the kingdom of heaven is within your reach?"

(Quit the cub scouts after placing third in the pinewood derby.)

JEHOVAH WITNESS 2

"Are you prepared for salvation?"

(Played Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar.)

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JACK CRAMBLE
Nimrod Pirates Football Captain

"I found the hook when I want to open Jill's door. It was caught in the handle, hanging there like I don't know what."

(Jack has over 10 grand tied up in his vintage Ford convertible.)

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JILL ROYALTUBER
Nimrod High Debate Team

"When I think how close that maniac came to getting me...us and doing whatever he was going to do with that big hideous...my blood runs cold."

(Jill has never missed an episode of Star Trek, the Next Generation.)

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RICK ROYALTUBER
Television repairman, Jill's Dad

"So I called Curtis, the Sheriff, great guy, always has a cold one ready for ya, we're on the same league. He got right on top of it."

(Rick has a 188 bowling average.)

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CURTIS T. MANSARAC
Wadena County Sheriff

"It was a regular artificial arm, straps and all, one of them torn, shit it scared me too. I mean, when that thing came off it had to hurt."

(Sheriff Mansarac still has the leotards he wore for his fifth grade ballet class.)

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CANDY BOY

"Would you like to buy a candy bar?"

(Candy Boy is allergic to chocolate.)

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DRIFTER

"I forgot my wallet at home."

(The Drifter had taco Bell for lunch.)

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WILD JOHNNY HATERAS
Disc Jockey, K.R.U.D. Radio

"You go out on Halloween to have a little fun and you run a good chance of getting plugged."

(Johnny won 5 dollars in the State lottery last week.)

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HOWARD LUGDRUM
Groundskeeper, Spinard Institute

"They bring their girlfriends up from town in the good weather, and we find the empty beer bottles and condoms."

(Howard can quote every line from Star Wars, episode 4, A New Hope)

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LEFTY TYLER
Marketing Director, Jackson Medical Equipment

"Holds tight. Releases Easy. Comfortable Fit."

(As a child, Lefty's favorite television show was the Six Million Dollar Man.)

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